So many issues...so little time.
So I have a lot of stuff spinning around in my brain, a lot of it contradictory, some of it knitting-related, most of it foggy.
This is my problem with journaling. I've just got all of this stuff spinning spinning spinning around in my head and I can never pick which things to pull out of the swirling mess to express in words.
Things I could address: my in-laws, things I'm afraid of and why that's bad and things to do to stop being afraid of them, my hopes for Idaho, stuff that makes me feel sad, things I've learned at BYU, things I want, things I don't want, my dreams (the sleeping kind), New Age religious stuff, things I worry about, things I feel guilty about, happy marriage moments, thoughts on life, the universe, and everything.
Whew. I actually feel better having a list laid out. Now I can pick one topic at a time and slowly work my way through the pile.
One of my issues with this topic list is that I have this super obsessive fear of being overly negative. I think this is largely due to the fact that every other Young Women's lesson I heard in church included some sidenote about how nobody likes a negative person. Maybe for some people hearing this was not a big deal. For me, however, it struck a deep chord of fear in the very core of my being. Because if there is one thing I fear, it is (dum dum dum!) Being Disliked. This fear manifests itself in many ways: avoiding human contact being the biggest one, of course, but it also comes emerges in other personal quirks, like an intense paranoia about the way I and my apartment smell. But anyway-- oh, I am so easily sidetracked!-- I 'm saying this because, while I maybe want to talk about things I dislike or am pissed off about, I have a tendency to want to choose a more positive topic in order to please any of my potential readers. Now yes, I realize this is dumb and irrational. I know nobody is actually reading my blog. But at the same time I know that there's a possibility that someone might be reading my blog and they just might think I'm a Negative Person and will therefore (gasp!) not like me.
And God forbid that ever happen.
This is my problem with journaling. I've just got all of this stuff spinning spinning spinning around in my head and I can never pick which things to pull out of the swirling mess to express in words.
Things I could address: my in-laws, things I'm afraid of and why that's bad and things to do to stop being afraid of them, my hopes for Idaho, stuff that makes me feel sad, things I've learned at BYU, things I want, things I don't want, my dreams (the sleeping kind), New Age religious stuff, things I worry about, things I feel guilty about, happy marriage moments, thoughts on life, the universe, and everything.
Whew. I actually feel better having a list laid out. Now I can pick one topic at a time and slowly work my way through the pile.
One of my issues with this topic list is that I have this super obsessive fear of being overly negative. I think this is largely due to the fact that every other Young Women's lesson I heard in church included some sidenote about how nobody likes a negative person. Maybe for some people hearing this was not a big deal. For me, however, it struck a deep chord of fear in the very core of my being. Because if there is one thing I fear, it is (dum dum dum!) Being Disliked. This fear manifests itself in many ways: avoiding human contact being the biggest one, of course, but it also comes emerges in other personal quirks, like an intense paranoia about the way I and my apartment smell. But anyway-- oh, I am so easily sidetracked!-- I 'm saying this because, while I maybe want to talk about things I dislike or am pissed off about, I have a tendency to want to choose a more positive topic in order to please any of my potential readers. Now yes, I realize this is dumb and irrational. I know nobody is actually reading my blog. But at the same time I know that there's a possibility that someone might be reading my blog and they just might think I'm a Negative Person and will therefore (gasp!) not like me.
And God forbid that ever happen.
posted by Rachel @ 8:37 PM
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